Dealing With The Ache by Trisha Rapley...
Updated: Oct 21
I often wonder if others feel the discomfort that comes from sitting with their own thoughts about what addiction has really cost.
And so many positive things have come from mine but of course, I have a natural reaction with many thoughts about the "what if" and what may have been my life if it continued.
It's not all the time these feelings of discomfort happen but from time to time they come and I allow myself the time I need to sit with them, process them for what they are, and then release them.
It's the time, the years that have been spent in the impossible world of denial, the constant "but what happens if" and sure it was tough but the fear, oh that fear of being on the other side and being judged, that has to be the hardest part of coming out of addiction.
The fear of rejection, judgment, and simply not being understood. Because we all know there is a problem - not the addiction itself but the cause of the addiction, an underlying source of suffering and pain that has been left behind from something so traumatic, and only addiction can mask.
For some, it's one or two things that happened and for others the mountain is unbelievable but there is something, an ache, a pain, a sore point, a reason why addicts are so afraid to feel.
And that's it you know, it's not sharing the story while in active addiction that hurts it's the pain associated with the story and that's why we hide it, bury it with the addiction of choice not because we want to hide the story but the suffering that comes with the pain as we say it out loud is unbearable.
I've learned over the years of sobriety and addiction that it is a lifelong journey. That part of yourself that chooses addiction in the beginning remains with you and as you grow old it lingers - dormant within your hearts and souls.
We are still the same person even now - we've made better choices, yes but still the same person. I like to think of us - addicts as an onion, each layer representing our life experiences. Each barring the story of a time before this one, some a story of survival and others stories of triumphs and happiness but every layer worth pulling back.
For some the onion has been too much to handle at times I guess you could say the essence of the onion aroma was too strong or their eyes too weak to see the next layer in. It's all in the way you hold and gently peel back the layer rather than how you think you should.
This is the first time speaking about my addiction and sobriety out loud but it has been years of ups and downs. Sober and addicted. I've gone years and years without needing to feel numb and I've done the work but I have fallen down, absolutely. But I think what is working better this time for me is sharing the story around my addiction and sobriety which has me one step ahead.
I think we all need to find that one thing or many things that keep us fighting, keep us sober, and keep us moving towards better things. It's the greatest weapon for me right now along with the support of Jesus and if for some reason the dragon inside me wakes up I'll be ready for it.
Hearing myself and reading the words I write about addiction, sobriety, and recovery have given me a newfound strength and belief in myself that I've never felt before.
Dealing With The Ache...