I have always been okay with spending time on my own and the solitude it brings. For the longest time I haven't had many friends and going out doing things has never been something I needed to do. I am really just ok doing the things I enjoy quietly without any fuss or noise.
I go to the movies by myself, have dinner by myself, go for bush walks, swim in the surf, and enjoy going to amusement parks alone. I have never made a fuss about being alone but I must admit there are times when your mind goes off wandering in the places where you wish you had someone to spend it with.
Don't get me wrong there have been a lot of people who have come in and out of my life both for good reasons and bad but I just haven't been able to find the right one who stays. They haven't all left some I left behind they just never really gave me any reason to stay.
I am a very deep person and I become very bored with some conversations and lack of depth. People's energy affects me greatly too. I guess that is why I am so comfortable being on my own. I have control of my surroundings and how my energy is used.
I have learned a very valuable lesson in energy exchange it cost my sanity more than once so more than ever I am so very careful with my soul and who I give my time now.
I don't depend on anyone for happiness or support but there have been many times I have reached breaking point and I usually explode on the person who calls or messages me at that time. But I am very capable of pushing through some of the most heartbreaking times without needing a single soul to help me through.
It has made me strong but as the years pass I am becoming more and more comfortable being alone. "It is dangerous because when you are more than comfortable with your current state you refuse to change or allow anyone in."
I have tried to let people in but found they couldn't sustain my needs mainly mental not physical. My personality is full-on and it requires someone to give a lot more than they are used to. A simple conversation for you will be a two-hour-long in-depth chat about everything.
It is incredibly rare to find someone who is on the same frequency level as you led alone the same level mentally. Someone who understands you and your mind completely. I have been searching for a person who can simply put me to sleep by talking to me until I can't talk anymore.
To have my mind be in such a full capacity would be remarkable. Their voice has such a calming way about them that I not only feel at ease but able to stop my thought process altogether. Almost like a song you love to be played and played, over and over again. It is quite a powerful thing to have and find. I have no doubt this is what my soul urns, craves, and is searching for.
"Something or someone who can and will weather the storms in my mind and bring a calm I have never seen before."
I do believe it is true you know you found it by the way it leaves you feeling even long after it has gone... But for whatever reason it may be timing. God? Universe? I am still okay with being alone...
Solitude...
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