I feel most in the nighttime rather than the day but I must say that in the day it will creep up out of nowhere and knock the wind out of me!
I think when something really traumatic happens your body goes into shock and while you are going through it you just stay strong and continue to pray but when it is finally over I guess your body has to catch up to all the emotions that were involved.
Honestly, that's the only explanation I can come up with about the suffering anxiety brings. You have to know I do my absolute best to stay positive and not talk about anything that is too heavy but this invisible disease leaves me without words at times and I feel that when it is spoken about openly the loneliness of being alone in its lessons.
I've always felt that it could be beaten but as time has passed I realise that you become stronger in your heart, soul, and mind and that's what lessons the blows anxiety brings. The time between each occurrence is longer, and the build-up before the blow-up is weaker but the actual suffering remains the same.
You just know you feel sick I mean a physical sickness nausea and at times vomiting, you try to reason with yourself and nothing makes sense, you overthink beyond anything normal, and your thoughts are more like a horror movie than real life.
It's a terrifying state to be in because nothing seems real. Any OCD tendencies you had prior to an attack are heightened and unmanageable! Breathing becomes a choice and at times I forget too. There's no cure, no release, no technique, and no relief from it.
You simply just have to pray while going through it and remember to do all the things your body requires from you. Sleep, eat, drink, self-care.
It's not easy... that's the truth one minute I am tired, and the next like tonight I am driving down the road for chocolate milk. It's crazy and while typing my heart hurts because it thinks my body is running a marathon!
It is so confused by everything it is feeling just like my mind. You know nothing that you feel is normal yet you must remain as calm as possible in the hope you'll wake up feeling okay and if not just hold on and pray a little more.
I pray a lot for mental health to be relieved and for those who suffer it silently to overcome it! For anyone who has never suffered from it, I know it's hard to understand but it's a real battle, very much invisible and definitely a lifetaker.
By that, I mean a soul snatcher, not just a life-taker. It takes any quality of life and destroys it with thunderous thoughts of darkness and nightmare-like traumatic memories plaguing you in the middle of the day, not just the daytime. It turns the most perfect moments into turmoil and leaves you in an inescapable place of doubt, fear, and confusion.
The worst part it can happen to any of us at any time and it's not always caused by traumatic events sometimes just like a light bulb it just switches and there's nothing you can do about it.
For the most part, I just want to be okay and I always pray through this even while the tears are running down my face but it hasn't always been this easy I am just grateful I made it this far because there are others who haven't.
Please never believe a person who always tells you they are okay when you can feel they aren't. The gift you have to be able to sense that in them is God's way of saving them through you!
Mental health is not just tears, it's smiles, loud laughter, infectious energy, and "I'm ok" in disguise.
Stigma No More...
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