It's never easy reading words others say but the hardest by far are these.
After I read these words "Like I'm being cautious not to cause any issues" more than a few times, it made me realise this isn't what or how I want anyone to feel.
It's difficult for me to explain my reactions come from a place that most people don't or don't want to understand.
Can I help them, no not always, is it my fault absolutely not but it is my responsibility to do my best and work through them.
I'm not a hard person to be around or love when you understand me as a whole person rather than bits and pieces.
And let's be honest I am not for everyone and that's ok.
I am aware that things with me aren't perfect nor are they with anyone and I accept the challenges different connections bring.
But reading someone say that they have to be cautious with things around me or what they say, honestly breaks my heart.
I have been very vulnerable, open as much as I can, and honest about the things I struggle with to so many people.
I'm not aggressive, confrontational, or argumentative at all and that kind of comment really falls into that category.
I'm left with my hands covering my face with tears in my eyes trying to figure out where I went wrong and why people eventually just don't stay or even try to.
I don't believe anything I have done is bad enough for anyone to walk away even though I know this on them not me, but one thing I've learned is that people really only understand things from their side of the fence and unless they are willing to climb over or get to know you on a deeper level there really isn't much point in continuing any further.
I am a woman who refuses to force or chase anything anymore with that being said it's okay that you need to go but that's the end.
I'll just feel and release what needs to be and move on like I always have.
I'm so used to this, and what they say. Every single person I meet is the same in the beginning until the reality of being with a real, honest, woman hits them.
Nothing about me is fake or made up and my scars appear because I am real and if it's too much or I am too much that's ok.
You must understand my place isn't with you or anyone for that matter it's where I am celebrated for my efforts rather than shunned for being vulnerable.
The hardest thing I do every day is trust people, it's so fucking hard, and I'm scared for the most part but here I am doing it anyway.
I'm exhausted from trying to fit in places I clearly don't belong and the best thing I can do right now is love should never be that hard.
So before any more words are said I'm just going to let go of anything Jesus needs me to, people included without complaint or question because anyone who expresses that kind of emotion to me is horribly mistaken and misunderstanding who I am as a person.
Words Matter...
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